Today, I read the blog posts from before. I am a little sad because nothing turned out how I thought it would. I feel like I am walking aimlessly trying to make an empty head happy. I think I look for other people's approval because I know I will never have my own. I would love to be able to read without getting bored. I would love to do what I want, but I don't know what it is. I spend a lot of my free time on pinterest. But I would love to have a flower garden. I love anything beautiful and I've always been a girly girl. The reason why I say this is because having a hobby or something that you do often is attractive and acceptable to others, rather than just sitting around all day on your computer. So next I need a hobby. I don't know why I insist on making myself sad all the time. I think it is because when I spend time alone, I can't escape my thoughts. And I feel lonely with other people around. Let me try to list my thoughts:
-Wanting to be skinny
-Wanting to be beautiful
-Wanting to be loved
-Wanting to be perfect
-Wanting to be attractive to others (personality-wise included)
-Not wanting to care anymore because none of that is currently attainable while I look like this.
And I think that's why I spend so much time shopping online (or even in person) and looking on Pinterest, because I am studying what I want to be. Maybe I think that if I look at it enough, one day it will just happen naturally. Because in person, I don't know what I want or what I like. I see an image all together and maybe that's why I don't like things in person- because that's not what I imagined myself looking like.
I don't want to stop being hard on myself because I NEED to accomplish what I've always wanted. And I won't stop or move forward without it.
I tried to think about why I like looking at Pinterest and hippies so much. Yes, that's what I want to look like. But it felt like sort of a sick happiness or addiction, just like the thinsperation on instagram. I think this is my eating disorder trying to hide out until all this has passed. I think it is just my addictions focused and channeled on something else right now. Because honestly, I don't want to get better. I didn't seek therapy to get better, I sought therapy to figure out why I was eating so much and to help me lose weight. To lose weight. To continue this process. Not to heal. I don't want to give this up and I never will. I don't want to let go. I don't care about my health. I don't care about people's opinions of my personality or this disorder (if I could be skinny). You can fake happy, but you can't fake skinny. And I don't know if I've actually made any progress, but I don't think I have made any real deep down progress because I don't want to. And expressing these thoughts isn't progress because I could do that before when I was restricting. Probably even better than I do now.
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