I may be entering a new chapter in my life. I've realized that so much has gotten ridiculously out of hand and that I've almost completely lost control of everything important- my food plan, my social life, my grades, my health, my happiness, my motivation, and almost anything else one could think of. I honestly don't know what makes me happy anymore. I don't know what I care about. I don't have any hobbies or interests. I don't have any sort of routine. My life is so haphazard. Living this way is not making me happy. I'm completely miserable and exhausted all the time. I've decided that the first step to fixing this problem is to create a routine that will cover my current necessities: eating, exercise, studying, and sleeping. These are the most basic needs in my life lately. I hope to continue a regular routine in the fall when I move into an apartment and start school again. I'm very nervous for the school year to start. I don't think I can do it. And I'm terrified because I have to. Last year I knew there was no choice but to get an A. There were no other options. There was nothing I could do but get all A's, but I failed. I thought that I would be able to do what I had to do, but I was not. And now that I know I am quite capable of failing, and that it is the most natural thing for me to fall into, I suppose I am afraid to try. Anxiety has such a horrible hold on me. I either give in completely or avoid it completely. I claim (and I truly believe) that I am brilliant to my core, but brilliance alone has not brought me to succeed. I wonder if others can. I can not help but wonder if there are people smarter than I who don't need to study or do the things that I have to do to succeed. Honestly, anyone can succeed if they try, but true brilliance is based on how hard you have to try. I don't know how hard I have to try because I never thought I would need to. I thought myself in too high of a regard to put effort into my school work. And it worries me because I want to be the best. I want to be at the top of the pack. I need to know that I am smarter. But if I'm not naturally smarter, I suppose the only answer is to work to become and remain smarter. I think back to my middle school days and recall my competitiveness with Michael Russell. When I wanted to beat him, I studied harder. Perhaps I need to do this again. Perhaps being my only competition is not enough anymore. Admittedly, I have dawned that strategy in the past to comfort and inspire myself, but maybe I need a tangible goal. Another person to beat. Maybe it's not that I need to try harder, but I need a different motivation. I'll chew on this for a while. I hope this helps me. Be better than the best, not me.
In conclusion:
>I have many problems that I hope can be fixed with my new routine.
>Does brilliance alone = success?
>Pondering what motivates me
