"Habits" by Tove Lo

I eat my dinner in the bathtub
Then I go to sex clubs
Watching freaky people getting it on
It doesn't make me nervous
If anything I'm restless
Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all.

I get home, I've got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub, then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Tasted kinda lonely...

You're gone, and I gotta stay

High all the time
To keep you off my mind...
High all the time
To keep you off my mind...
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you, babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you.

I pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my days now
Loosen up a frown, make them feel alive
I make it fast and greasy
I'm numb, but way too easy.

You're gone and I gotta stay

High all the time
To keep you off my mind...
High all the time
To keep you off my mind...
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you, babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you...

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

Oh staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain


YOU'RE GONE AND I GOTTA STAY

HIGH ALL THE TIME
TO KEEP YOU OFF MY MIND...
HIGH ALL THE TIME
TO KEEP YOU OFF MY MIND...
SPEND MY DAYS LOCKED IN A HAZE!
TRYING TO FORGET YOU, BABE!
I FALL BACK DOWN....
HIGH, ALL MY LIFE TO FORGET I'M MISSING YOU

But

I thought life was supposed to be splendid

I could have fun if...

I would love to go out and have fun tonight. But you know what?

I can't.

Because I don't have the body for it.

I would love to go night swimming with my boyfriend, followed by a hot date in a tight dress and sexy hair. I'd love to wear heels and look cute and have my makeup all done up.

If I could do what I want tonight, I would dress myself in all black and do crazy things.

I would dance on a table.

I would go home and pet and play with my dogs.

I'd go up to Ben and turn around, walk away.

I would go to all of my classes and know the boys are staring at me. 

I'd take pictures with all of my fellow skinny friends and feel like I finally belong.

Hot damn.

I would go flirt with other guys and get the hottest of the hottest of the hot.

I'd go out on the town and just sit as boys come up to me and drool over me.

The hottest little body there.

And as I write this I feel empty.

That's not the life I want.

I just want to starve.

THAT is the life I want.

Why?

Because it made me feel good.

It made me so proud of myself. I felt worth something.

I was everything I every wanted to be.

I overcame everything I never could.

I was the queen. Above everyone.

Looking down and rightfully judging everyone.

You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. Wow jelly belly. How did she even get in those shorts? Disgusting.

And now I'm just a part of it.

Now I am one of those jiggly disgusting messes. I am a girl who's fat and isn't even doing anything about it.

How pathetic.

You don't even care enough to work out do you?

No you don't. The last time you worked out was when Heather FORCED you to.

You fat lard.

And really? Bojangles? Buffalo Wild Wing? Oh yeah you really SEEM committed.

Don't you remember Kyra? And Hannah?

Oh how they worked out and ATE SO LITTLE!

Dieted!

How happy she was! Oh that is where the hole in your soul is filled.

But you can't even work out because you're so busy feeling sorry for yourself.

Writing on Blogger and convincing yourself it's the disease.

And it is.

And the most wonderful, terrible part.....

is that I'm addicted.