Lost

What else is new? I'm just wandering around. I have nothing to be proud of. I've done nothing. I am not who I want to be. I'm too dependent. Too slutty. Too heartbroken. Too used. Too big. Too scared. Too hurt. Too lost. Too ugly. Too sad. Too ugly. Too hairy. Perfect Jessi would go by Jessica, and have smooth hair. Speaking of which...


I'm gaining perspective on what I need to do to feel fulfilled.
Life doesn't have to suck.

"Habits" by Tove Lo

I eat my dinner in the bathtub
Then I go to sex clubs
Watching freaky people getting it on
It doesn't make me nervous
If anything I'm restless
Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all.

I get home, I've got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub, then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Tasted kinda lonely...

You're gone, and I gotta stay

High all the time
To keep you off my mind...
High all the time
To keep you off my mind...
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you, babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you.

I pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my days now
Loosen up a frown, make them feel alive
I make it fast and greasy
I'm numb, but way too easy.

You're gone and I gotta stay

High all the time
To keep you off my mind...
High all the time
To keep you off my mind...
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you, babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you...

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

Oh staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain


YOU'RE GONE AND I GOTTA STAY

HIGH ALL THE TIME
TO KEEP YOU OFF MY MIND...
HIGH ALL THE TIME
TO KEEP YOU OFF MY MIND...
SPEND MY DAYS LOCKED IN A HAZE!
TRYING TO FORGET YOU, BABE!
I FALL BACK DOWN....
HIGH, ALL MY LIFE TO FORGET I'M MISSING YOU

But

I thought life was supposed to be splendid

I could have fun if...

I would love to go out and have fun tonight. But you know what?

I can't.

Because I don't have the body for it.

I would love to go night swimming with my boyfriend, followed by a hot date in a tight dress and sexy hair. I'd love to wear heels and look cute and have my makeup all done up.

If I could do what I want tonight, I would dress myself in all black and do crazy things.

I would dance on a table.

I would go home and pet and play with my dogs.

I'd go up to Ben and turn around, walk away.

I would go to all of my classes and know the boys are staring at me. 

I'd take pictures with all of my fellow skinny friends and feel like I finally belong.

Hot damn.

I would go flirt with other guys and get the hottest of the hottest of the hot.

I'd go out on the town and just sit as boys come up to me and drool over me.

The hottest little body there.

And as I write this I feel empty.

That's not the life I want.

I just want to starve.

THAT is the life I want.

Why?

Because it made me feel good.

It made me so proud of myself. I felt worth something.

I was everything I every wanted to be.

I overcame everything I never could.

I was the queen. Above everyone.

Looking down and rightfully judging everyone.

You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. Wow jelly belly. How did she even get in those shorts? Disgusting.

And now I'm just a part of it.

Now I am one of those jiggly disgusting messes. I am a girl who's fat and isn't even doing anything about it.

How pathetic.

You don't even care enough to work out do you?

No you don't. The last time you worked out was when Heather FORCED you to.

You fat lard.

And really? Bojangles? Buffalo Wild Wing? Oh yeah you really SEEM committed.

Don't you remember Kyra? And Hannah?

Oh how they worked out and ATE SO LITTLE!

Dieted!

How happy she was! Oh that is where the hole in your soul is filled.

But you can't even work out because you're so busy feeling sorry for yourself.

Writing on Blogger and convincing yourself it's the disease.

And it is.

And the most wonderful, terrible part.....

is that I'm addicted.

Stream of Consciousness

I may be entering a new chapter in my life. I've realized that so much has gotten ridiculously out of hand and that I've almost completely lost control of everything important- my food plan, my social life, my grades, my health, my happiness, my motivation, and almost anything else one could think of. I honestly don't know what makes me happy anymore. I don't know what I care about. I don't have any hobbies or interests. I don't have any sort of routine. My life is so haphazard. Living this way is not making me happy. I'm completely miserable and exhausted all the time. I've decided that the first step to fixing this problem is to create a routine that will cover my current necessities: eating, exercise, studying, and sleeping. These are the most basic needs in my life lately. I hope to continue a regular routine in the fall when I move into an apartment and start school again. I'm very nervous for the school year to start. I don't think I can do it. And I'm terrified because I have to. Last year I knew there was no choice but to get an A. There were no other options. There was nothing I could do but get all A's, but I failed. I thought that I would be able to do what I had to do, but I was not. And now that I know I am quite capable of failing, and that it is the most natural thing for me to fall into, I suppose I am afraid to try. Anxiety has such a horrible hold on me. I either give in completely or avoid it completely. I claim (and I truly believe) that I am brilliant to my core, but brilliance alone has not brought me to succeed. I wonder if others can. I can not help but wonder if there are people smarter than I who don't need to study or do the things that I have to do to succeed. Honestly, anyone can succeed if they try, but true brilliance is based on how hard you have to try. I don't know how hard I have to try because I never thought I would need to. I thought myself in too high of a regard to put effort into my school work. And it worries me because I want to be the best. I want to be at the top of the pack. I need to know that I am smarter. But if I'm not naturally smarter, I suppose the only answer is to work to become and remain smarter. I think back to my middle school days and recall my competitiveness with Michael Russell. When I wanted to beat him, I studied harder. Perhaps I need to do this again. Perhaps being my only competition is not enough anymore. Admittedly, I have dawned that strategy in the past to comfort and inspire myself, but maybe I need a tangible goal. Another person to beat. Maybe it's not that I need to try harder, but I need a different motivation. I'll chew on this for a while. I hope this helps me. Be better than the best, not me. 


In conclusion:
>I have many problems that I hope can be fixed with my new routine.
>Does brilliance alone = success?
>Pondering what motivates me

Today I...

-Went to class
-Did pretty well with my meal plan
-Wrote
-Looked into some hobbies I'd like to start (piano, gardening)
-Listened to a podcast, read an article
-Read some stuff I wrote a long time ago
-Took my medicine in the middle of the day
-Took the Meyers Briggs Personality test (INTP-- WOW absolutely! Very happy and surprised about this! Now I know why I am tired so often... And I can learn to relax by myself and do things that make me happy. Oh wow having time alone and exercise time would be great. That would make a wonderful day.)
-Looked at some makeup products

A Day In the Life

Today, I read the blog posts from before. I am a little sad because nothing turned out how I thought it would. I feel like I am walking aimlessly trying to make an empty head happy. I think I look for other people's approval because I know I will never have my own. I would love to be able to read without getting bored. I would love to do what I want, but I don't know what it is. I spend a lot of my free time on pinterest. But I would love to have a flower garden. I love anything beautiful and I've always been a girly girl. The reason why I say this is because having a hobby or something that you do often is attractive and acceptable to others, rather than just sitting around all day on your computer. So next I need a hobby. I don't know why I insist on making myself sad all the time. I think it is because when I spend time alone, I can't escape my thoughts. And I feel lonely with other people around. Let me try to list my thoughts:
-Wanting to be skinny
-Wanting to be beautiful
-Wanting to be loved
-Wanting to be perfect
-Wanting to be attractive to others (personality-wise included)
-Not wanting to care anymore because none of that is currently attainable while I look like this.

And I think that's why I spend so much time shopping online (or even in person) and looking on Pinterest, because I am studying what I want to be. Maybe I think that if I look at it enough, one day it will just happen naturally. Because in person, I don't know what I want or what I like. I see an image all together and maybe that's why I don't like things in person- because that's not what I imagined myself looking like.
I don't want to stop being hard on myself because I NEED to accomplish what I've always wanted. And I won't stop or move forward without it.
I tried to think about why I like looking at Pinterest and hippies so much. Yes, that's what I want to look like. But it felt like sort of a sick happiness or addiction, just like the thinsperation on instagram. I think this is my eating disorder trying to hide out until all this has passed. I think it is just my addictions focused and channeled on something else right now. Because honestly, I don't want to get better. I didn't seek therapy to get better, I sought therapy to figure out why I was eating so much and to help me lose weight. To lose weight. To continue this process. Not to heal. I don't want to give this up and I never will. I don't want to let go. I don't care about my health. I don't care about people's opinions of my personality or this disorder (if I could be skinny). You can fake happy, but you can't fake skinny. And I don't know if I've actually made any progress, but I don't think I have made any real deep down progress because I don't want to. And expressing these thoughts isn't progress because I could do that before when I was restricting. Probably even better than I do now.